Re: Poem-The Shrimp Boat-any comments appreciated

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: : : Just some general quick comments while gulping my : : afternoon coffee :) : : I like the overall feeling the poem conjures. The : : images are solid and create a moment. : : : Sculpted on the horizon, a shrimp boat- : : : the bow appearing, then reappearing; : : : as it’s distant, tall mast crosses the salt marsh. : : Perhaps the first two stanzas could be condensed into one? : : Just a thought. : : : Hanging nets, stiff with brine, shape the wind, : : : while in the wide wake, a flock of gulls trails- : : : so white above the shimmering leakage. : : The first line here, especially the thought of the nets : : shaping the wind, is very nice. : : I don't particularly like 'leakage'-- perhaps just 'leak' : : or annother word would work better. : : : Docked; but still the cargo hole brims with catch, : : : As the sunset slips down through the rigging, : : : And the full moon rises to surf the dark waves. : : The juxtaposition of the sun/moon and their respective : : actions has a nice closure to it. : : Well, just a few quick comments... the coffee hasn't : : really kicked in just yet, so these thoughts are just : : off the top of my head after my first reading. : : Hope it helps. : : Ken : Thanks for your response. I'll consider combining the stanzas. Regarding 'leakage', I agree it's not a strong word and I'll work on this line. I was trying to show the shimmering colors of the fuel leakage below the white gulls. : how about a change to: : hanging nets, stiff with brine, shape the wind : while trailing in the frothy wake, a flock of gulls- : a fluttering, shifting arc against the sky. : What do you think? Anyone? : Thanks, Neca

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