Re: Poem-The Shrimp Boat

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Posted by neca Stoller on May 12, 1997 at 08:34:30:
From pm1-21.sowega.net

In Reply to: Re: Poem-The Shrimp Boat posted by Reverie on May 11, 1997 at 19:37:15:

rewrite- now a sonnet in approximate iambic pentameter(I hope)

The Shrimp Boat

Pushing through, past the channel markers
her name so faint, blurred by salt and time,
a shrimp boat, sculpted on the horizon.
The bow appearing, then reappearing,
as her distant, tall mast crosses the marsh.
Hanging nets, stiff with brine, shape the wind;
while trailing her wide wake, a flock of gulls-
their cries pale above the darkening sea.

With dusk’s cooling breeze, the sounds of soft voices
come down the bay during her steady approach-
unmarked by bent backs and such sun-tired eyes.
Docked; but, still her cargo hole brims with catch,
as the sunset slips down through the rigging,
and the full moon rises to surf the black waves.

:
: Nice phrases. Enjoyed it. Good work. No, Forest Gump you. But a talented poet.

: Perhaps it may be my intrinsically eccentric approach, but would suggest the first part of the poem be abandoned (or rewritten to occur more subtly further on in the poem.

: It could be that without the first part one is immediately cast amid a mystery, finding out where the poem is going. By being not so obvious perhaps a more poetic effect is the result.

: And perhaps leading to more of an adventure and less of a prose statement.

: In any fashion, the poem sees clearly, speaks in tones with engaging images. I love it. It evokes the dream state. Let's see more of your work. Please.

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: rewrite- now a sonnet in approximate iambic pentameter(I hope) : The Shrimp Boat : Pushing through, past the channel markers : her name so faint, blurred by salt and time, : a shrimp boat, sculpted on the horizon. : The bow appearing, then reappearing, : as her distant, tall mast crosses the marsh. : Hanging nets, stiff with brine, shape the wind; : while trailing her wide wake, a flock of gulls- : their cries pale above the darkening sea. : With dusk’s cooling breeze, the sounds of soft voices : come down the bay during her steady approach- : unmarked by bent backs and such sun-tired eyes. : Docked; but, still her cargo hole brims with catch, : as the sunset slips down through the rigging, : and the full moon rises to surf the black waves. : : : : : Nice phrases. Enjoyed it. Good work. No, Forest Gump you. But a talented poet. : : Perhaps it may be my intrinsically eccentric approach, but would suggest the first part of the poem be abandoned (or rewritten to occur more subtly further on in the poem. : : It could be that without the first part one is immediately cast amid a mystery, finding out where the poem is going. By being not so obvious perhaps a more poetic effect is the result. : : And perhaps leading to more of an adventure and less of a prose statement. : : In any fashion, the poem sees clearly, speaks in tones with engaging images. I love it. It evokes the dream state. Let's see more of your work. Please.

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